When I was growing up we didn’t have a lot of money and when I was old enough to get a job and make money, it went to supporting my family (buying groceries, gas, paying for rent, etc.).
When I was 17, I wasn’t in school and worked two jobs to make the money we needed to move from living in a campground to living in a motel room.
I also sold my backpack and other beloved possessions for gas money.
When I was in college, I worked multiple jobs and would often send money home when it was needed.
For much of my life every time I earned money, I didn't get to keep it...it was earmarked for survival of some sort or another.
This created a strange and awkward relationship with money. I wanted it and I didn't want it at the same time. Having money was scary and not having money was scary. As a result I felt stressed and anxious about money every single moment of every single day. Money created discomfort in my entire system.
The other day I was given a cash payment and as I held the money in my hands, I felt the urge to cry. I was reminded that money has been the paramount focus of my life and that not having enough has been an incredible weight to bare.
My body down to the cellular level knows what it's like to not have enough, to struggle, to be in fight or flight, to be scarce and scared.
A few years ago I made a commitment to create a new reality for myself and to heal from this struggle. It has not been easy as the scarcity patterns run deep but I am making progress.
When I held that cash in my hands a few days ago, I wanted to celebrate it, love it and welcome it into my life....instead of spending it as fast as I could or feeling shame for having it.
This is progress. I am healing.
I put the money in my wallet and vowed to take care of it like it was found treasure. I promised to only spend it on things that uplifted me and supported my highest self.
Even though the circumstances of my life are different now - I have a home, bills are paid for, fridge is stocked, there is security - I have not broken free from fear and scarcity. It still lives within me but I am learning how to unwind it and let it go.
I have worked with a therapist for 2 years to help me understand and learn from my past.
I have worked with a coach and/or a coaching group for the last 10 years to help me think and act in an empowering and abundant way.
Everyday I show up on my yoga mat or on a walking trail to remember who I am, what I want and what I am worthy of.
I self-coach myself every day by writing down and questioning my thoughts and patterns.
Each time I sit down to work, I read this note I wrote to myself, "It is safe for me to make money."
I get up every morning willing to fail and keep going.
I know, without a doubt, that a new story about money is possible for me and that that is the story I will teach my daughter.
If you are struggling to overcome an old pattern of any kind, you are not alone.
I know the struggle and I also know there is another way.
A new thought pattern is possible.
A new behavior pattern is possible.
A new result is possible.
To begin, surround yourself with people who lift you up and are an example of what's possible.
Nourish your body and mind.
And reach out if you want my support.
I believe you.
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