No Monday Morning Yoga

Jan 22, 2023

Last week I was so excited to share that I would be offering an ongoing Monday morning class and this week I am sharing that I actually won't be doing that.

It's complicated but here we go....

A few months ago I got a job as a community engagement manager at a personal development company that focuses primarily on helping women integrate sacred practices into their lives. All the while I have continued to offer coaching as wells as hold the intention to offer movement classes once I felt more settled with my job.

That day came a few weeks ago and so I began putting the word out about my new offering, Soul Care Yoga, which I am so grateful you signed up for. (Thank you for your shared interest and enthusiasm for starting the day and week with such care and heart.)

When I started doing some marketing about my class, my employer lovingly pulled me aside and brought me into deep inquiry about my intentions with this class. They also shared that it did not feel right for me to offer a class that shared similar intentions to the work they are doing.

I was essentially being asked to choose between my business and my job.

At first I was crushed. I cried A LOT.

And then I realized this is exactly what I needed to hear. This is exactly the position I needed to be put in.

I am a survivor. My default system is fight or flight 100% of the time.

I am always planning my escape...whether it's from a relationship or a job. I am NEVER two feet in on anything.

Because what if things get bad? I need a way out. I need to clearly see the exits and be close to them...just in case.

As you might imagine, this has caused a few issues within my marriage.

And now with my job.

The truth is, I was planning my escape from my job. Not because I didn't like it, not because I needed to. Just because...WHAT IF THINGS GET BAD AND I NEED A WAY OUT? In the evenings I was mapping out my business...what I wanted to offer and how I would revitalize my membership.

But the conversation with my employer brought everything into clear view.

The reality is I'm tired. I'm tired of holding so much, I'm tired of spending my evenings, weekends and really every waking moment thinking about my business (whether it was my yoga studio, coaching business or movement practice).

I'm tired of how I have put my business ahead of my family and personal interests.

One of the reasons I got a job was so that I could be free from holding a business every second of the day and instead do more of what I have been wanting to do....like spend time with friends, take painting classes, learn guitar and most of all be PRESENT for my family.

The truth is I need more space for me and I want to give more to my family.

My conversation with my employer was so fucking hard. I felt embarrassment, shame, and deep sadness. I even said, "I don't want to close the exits." And they lovingly said, "This is an opportunity for you to let go of a pattern that doesn't serve you anymore."

They were so right. In that moment, I could see my thought and behavior pattern so clearly and very deeply felt the long held desire to change this pattern and free myself.

"It's time for you to step into your power," they said.

When I heard these words, everything within me collapsed into a heap of exhaustion and sadness.

Because being in fight or flight does not feel powerful, it feels disempowering and utterly exhausting.

But you know what does feel powerful? Recognizing a long-held pattern that makes me feel anxious and freaked out and stopping it in its tracks.

So back to the Monday morning yoga class....and also my coaching business.

I LOVE teaching, coaching and creating new offerings, but now is not the right time. Right now, I am in need of letting structures, commitment and intentions go. Right now, I need to simplify my life so I can attend to little Amanda and reassure here there's no place she needs to escape to. She's safe and loved right here.

I am not sure when or if I will offer classes or coaching again.

I need some time to heal and repair my tired system.

I want to give my full attention to my job and to my family.

The next time I offer something, I want to do so from a clear and healthy space, rather than from survival mode.

This also means you won't be hearing from me on a weekly basis anymore. I am going to go on a full internal retreat and I don't know when I will emerge.

During this time, I am going to attend to a long-held dream, which is to write a book. So instead of writing newsletters, planning classes and marketing a business...I am going to be cozy on my couch, sipping tea and writing down the bones of my life.

If you have questions about anything I have shared here, please don't hesitate to reach out.

Also, I want to stay in touch with you. So if you want to get tea or go for walk, let me know!

I love you so much and I am forever grateful for your amazing support over the years.

Love,

Amanda

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xoAmanda